Wound up looking at a failing piece of code. The first thing was how it was called.
...but it turns out, that part works. As does this query: SELECT * FROM .sys.tables . Had never seen that before.
Put butter in your mixer, add sugar, set on low. Write a stored procedure to keep track of jobs that won't run. Add flour. Use a DMV to find unused indexes. Add eggs. Bake in an MDF with 20% free space.